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endings and beginnings

when the table turns: endings and beginnings

by Judy
August 30, 2015

I am distinctly aware of the table turning in my life and open to it happening. For the past two months since my mom died, I have been living in my mom’s home – sorting through her “things,” dealing with all the practicalities of business and grieving my mom’s loss knowing that she lives forever in my memory and in my heart. I have also been spending time with Pat, my mother’s most lovely Aid, who came to love my mom and know everything there is to know about her life here.

Pat in some ways is a direct link to my mom – the mom of the past six years. She has become like family, a sister from Jamaica and so leaving Florida and going back up north is really a big change for me; leaving behind my home for the past six years, leaving Pat.

You know when you know big changes are coming. Like when you leave home for the first time and you know you will never live with your parents again in the same way. That is a big change. Or there are times in our life, like for me now, when I know that what was will never be the same again. Of course that is the case now since my mom died, but it hits me more in leaving Florida and Pat who in a sense stands for my life with Mom and everything that happened while I was here.

I am ready for this change. I had not been ready only a short while ago, but I am now.

I say I am ready, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have pangs, that I don’t wake up in the middle of the night, think about my mom and feel perhaps a bit scared, but I also have lived long enough to know that this state of mind is not to be trusted and that life itself is very different than my thoughts about it. And also I know that fundamentally I have always been very flexible and can adapt to different circumstances quite easily and yet, this is a big change because I am not going back to the same life I left. Change is definitely in the air which is always both exciting from one perspective and a bit scary from another.

Pat and I also will always be friends/sisters and we will see each other again. She is family and there is an ease of comfort that comes with family. We come from very different backgrounds, cultures, colors, and yet that does not make any difference at all.  

So in the last week down here I have still had a lot of business to attend to and there has still been some time for fun. Pat and I went recently to the Cirque de Soleil – something I have always wanted to see but never did. It was fantastic.

Do I miss my mom? Yes, I do very much – and yet as Pat always reminds me, mom would not have wanted me to suffer at all and every time Pat and I do something like going to the Cirque de Soleil, we will comment that mom would have been happy we were going. She was so life-oriented, forward moving, that I know she would not want me to suffer and still…still I will meet people these days and when I mention or they know my mother died recently, they will tell me their stories and often their mother died quite a few years ago and still they miss them very much. It surely is a phenomenon.

As I am on the brink of heading up north, I am aware how many friends I have not seen for quite a while – now I will be able to do that and plunge again into painting and continuing to write. I feel like I am existing on different planes – always there is an awareness of my mom and all the myriad responses to her, what I treasured, what I regretted, her presence and absence, awareness of my own mortality, her spirit. And then there is another level of doing, creating and joyful engaging. On another level, there is a deep sense of stopping, not moving, resting which co-exists with a wide range of emotional responses including excitement, hope and sadness. It’s all there on different levels co-existing and all these levels go with me wherever I am and in that sense it doesn’t matter so much where I am at any given moment and yet it does matter as well. A paradox.

And so I move forward…the ending of one chapter and the beginning of a new one yet to be written, but one that encompasses everything. Getting very close to this physical shift, I notice that excitement is more my prevalent experience – a sense of an opening – an opening of light,  possibility and new life. And gratitude. Immense gratitude.

 

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