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the life force is not easily squashed

by Judy
December 24, 2012

When my mother speaks with her friends, it’s like she enters a world where nothing has happened. There never had been a stroke that changed her life so significantly. She’s the woman who gives advice, is interested to hear about what’s happening – a whole familiar stance manifests that has it's own particular aroma of ease and shared life history. 

So yesterday when Molly called and said she’d like to see her, my mother immediately invited her out for dinner forgetting that she can’t sit in a wheelchair very long and will find the noise and commotion very disturbing. When I mentioned the wheelchair to her, she said, “I won’t sit in a wheelchair.” She imagined sitting in a regular chair which would be near impossible for her to do. And even yesterday evening she said she would walk with her walker; not use the wheelchair. Again my mother can't even stand on her own and when she does stand, it's no more than a minute or a bit more. In some ways I think this is the result of the stroke in terms of not thinking rationally, but also I think it’s part of her entering into a different world with her friends.

And it’s an interesting situation for Pat, her aid, and me. On one hand, I’m happy that she wants to be so independent and even thinks she is going to walk and I don’t want to squelch that impulse in her. I admire and respect her gumption, and I also see this wishful side in myself that thinks, “Well maybe she will walk.” She always had such a strong will so maybe that will pull her through. It a delicate dance between facing the reality now and at the same time leaving the door open to change and possibility. Who knows?

The life force is not easily squashed! 

(Originally written August 20, 2012)

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