essays

by Judy
May 1, 2017

A week ago was my mom’s birthday. It has now been one year and ten months since she died. I lit a yahrzeit candle that burned all day and through the night until the early morning hours. I don’t know why, but I find it very comforting to have my mom’s candle burning - a sense that she is with me. When I woke up in the morning, this line was running through my head, “Her light has gone out and one day my light will go out too.”

One day the light of the whole world will go out.

The brevity and beauty of life is always somewhere in my...

this mother-daughter bond

by Judy
December 30, 2016

A week ago marked a year and a half since my mom died. I wonder when one stops noticing these markings. I almost always remember when I am on these “special” dates like when my brother and father died, which was now more than twenty-five years ago. Every now and then I forget, but I only know I forget because at some point during that day or the next, it comes into my consciousness.

So how is it now for me? Do I still get teary sometimes? Yes. Do I still find it unbearable at times that my mom is no longer here? Yes. But overall, it is...

transitions

by Judy
November 5, 2016

It’s been now about 16 months since my mom died. Whenever I attempt to access what is happening for me, I find that I never can pin it down exactly as the “mourning” process for a loved one is in some ways forever and whatever I might say is not always true. Having said that, I do find that I am adapting more and more to the fact that my mom is gone. I still miss her; think about her and at times it is still painful. It’s like there is a place in my being that is always sad that she is gone, but that place gets less attention.

In a way,...

reflections on the last four years and what lies ahead

by Judy
July 25, 2016

It’s been almost four years since writing on this blog site; beginning with my mother’s stroke, then living with her for three years until she died and now a year later. Writing has been a lifeline for me in many ways. Initially after my mom’s stroke, it gave me a way to “release” so much that had been going on inside. It provided an anchor for me, a place where I could find out, even for myself, what I was experiencing, get some perspective and mysteriously give me some relief. This process has continued over the years; the stepping back, getting...

a year since my mom died

by Judy
June 28, 2016 (began writing this on June 23rd)

It’s been exactly a year since my mom died. I woke up this morning and turned on my facebook page and sure enough a beautiful photo of my mom appeared – the one here – as it noted remembrances from a year ago. Perfect timing. I lit a yahrzeit candle commemorating a year and picked flowers from outside to put by the candle. Nothing too dramatic. Noticiably quiet.

About three weeks ago I had gone down to New Jersey for the unveiling of my mom’s grave. It’s a Jewish tradition that you do close to a year after...

times past that still live

by Judy
May 22, 2016

Can a place be a moment in time - a time past which was not even when I lived, but a moment that lives in my memory, an expansive memory that includes more than what was said; it includes a whole feeling sense. That seems to be the case when I think about the home where my mother grew up. And as I reflect and write about this home, it includes so much of my mother’s spirit; what she valued and who she was. My mother’s home lived so strongly and dearly in her memory and now lives in mine. It’s part of my inner landscape.

She told me about her...

my relationship to death and dying

by Judy
May, 8, 2016

For almost a year I’ve been writing in response to my mother’s death; tracking my own grieving process and all the responses that arise. I do think when someone you love dies – or even if you don’t love them and they die, be they writers, artists, politicians, it brings up one’s own relationship to dying and death; at least it often does for me.

For some reason, death has always played a strong “role’ in my life even as a young girl. One of the early memories I have is lying in the bathtub and trying to figure out what it will be like to no...

the landscape of my being

by Judy
April 17, 2016

I seem to be, whether I am aware of it or not, in a continual contemplation of loss and grief; grappling to understand it in a way that I didn’t in the past when I lost someone I loved. I am older now and in a way have more time to reflect. Also having this forum, where I write every two weeks, helps me enormously to keep in touch with this process.

What I notice as time goes by is the sense of this gap or hole in my life, like a huge reference that is no longer there or a tear in one’s heart or a presence that was so strong and now is no...

expansion of self holds loss and grief

by Judy
April 3, 2016

I am just driving home and all of a sudden I feel the loss of my mom. It is experienced as the sense that something is not there anymore - a space that is now empty - a space that held so much love and care. It was a constant space, my mom, who was always there to speak to, share good news with, just laugh with. That space which for much of my life was taken for granted; a given, not fully appreciated, is gone. At those moments, it’s hard to even articulate the fullness of what one is missing. It’s not as if I lived with my mom for most of my...

how can I be happy? But I am.

Judy Fox
March 20, 2016

This morning, just back up north from being down in Florida in my mother’s home, I took my usual walk around the loop up here in Western Massachusetts, listening to gospel reggae music, and filled with delight by the sun, sky, trees and open space. I thought to myself, I am really happy. Then I remembered an exercise I did a few months ago at a writing workshop where we were to start the essay with, “Deep down inside….” and continue writing until the teacher said to stop. Afterwards some read their papers where they spoke...

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