reflections on the last four years and what lies ahead
by Judy
July 25, 2016
It’s been almost four years since writing on this blog site; beginning with my mother’s stroke, then living with her for three years until she died and now a year later. Writing has been a lifeline for me in many ways. Initially after my mom’s stroke, it gave me a way to “release” so much that had been going on inside. It provided an anchor for me, a place where I could find out, even for myself, what I was experiencing, get some perspective and mysteriously give me some relief. This process has continued over the years; the stepping back, getting more space and finding out there was so much more happening than I realized.
It also gave me a way to share my mom with all of you; to share my journey with her in life and in death. It’s been a journey of so much love that I never could have imagined. I am so grateful to have been so closely with her these last years.
On a very personal note, it reawakened in me my love of writing. Having been a journal writer almost all my life, this writing reawakened this love and of course deepened and expanded it. Journal writing was always a very personal affair, and now it’s something to be shared. That is very different. It requires much more from me and consequently more gets expressed.
It’s like I found my voice in writing and one that also needs to be fed…it isn’t a static voice that one finds and that’s the end. No, for myself, I need to keep expressing this voice. Speaking is a different medium; one that I can do for sure, but this voice, the voice of one’s heart and soul, is easier to access in writing.
So where am I now? It’s been a little over a year since my mom died. She is still so much with me…I feel her presence. When good things happen, I can feel her joy; her joy for me. If I had to say one thing I miss the most, it’s laughing with my mom. Especially the last three years of her life when I lived with her, I loved laughing with her. Her laugh was infectious and now I feel infected by it. Funny how that happens. Sometimes I literally feel like I have caught my mother’s laughter when I laugh. I miss her delightful sense of humor.
Over the three years, from time to time, I would video my mom speaking or laughing. I have not gone back to see any of the tapes. I can’t do that yet but sometime, not sure when, I will go and watch them.
And life goes on and expands in many ways. Aside from writing and painting, I have gotten more and more involved in my concern for this planet. I have been delving into climate change; reading as many books and articles as I can and actively getting involved in different activities. Someone said to me recently, I have gone from caring for my mom to caring for the well-being of our planet. An interesting comparison.
I am envisioning at this point a new direction in my writing where I will be sharing this interest and care for mother earth; sharing what I am learning and doing; sharing my own personal journey into this complex and important area of concern.
I will keep you all informed about how this unfolds for me. Most likely it will involve a new channel of communication other than this one. Still I imagine I will write here but less frequently. Life moves us, and we move life and it's ever changing and evolving. It’s a joy to share this all with you.